Pass It Off, On Ability
FEBRUARY 27, 2024
Ava says I can’t write about people that I love. I don’t argue or disagree because she is right. The people I love cannot be described without confusion, hesitation, and tears. Other people, who I didn’t really like, were easy to describe. I could do it beautifully, with care. I start paragraphs about my mother, my ex-boyfriend, my father, and my best friends, and I find it ultimately boring because I don’t want to face their wrongs. When someone you love betrays you, you try to forget. When someone you don’t love betrays you, you cut your losses, between lines of animosity and interpretation.
Phoebe says I have a tendency to save myself. I don’t argue or disagree because she is right. It’s my very worst quality. I lie to save myself even though I am unsure it has ever worked. I know I don’t feel saved. It’s not fun like escaping death, it’s scary like delaying prosecution. I’ll end up in the chair one way or another. I don’t believe in lying, but I believe that honest people don’t get away with anything. If I hold myself accountable while everyone else gets away with it, I won’t feel saved then, surely.
Trent says I always get what I want. I don’t know how to tell him he’s wrong, he seems so certain. I don’t have to lie to get a man to like me, but I might have to lie to get him to love me. Nobody understands that. Trent thinks I’m more entitled than I am. He thinks it’s simple, I pick someone out of a crowd and they want me enthusiastically. Maybe it’s because Trent wants me. You ask a male friend for male advice and they look at you with eyes that say, “Nooo, please let me fuck you first,” before spewing some classically masculine advice about what a guy wants. I suppose what a guy wants is someone who doesn’t want them.
Max says that I have no identity of my own. I have never told him he’s wrong, about anything. I consider him my friend and I would hope he thinks highly of me. Unfortunately, he doesn’t think highly of anyone. Unfortunately, he is still a man. I have had to lie to get him to love me, and now I know that I will have to lie to get him to respect me.
Elliott says he’s never met anyone like me. He loves me and I haven’t had to lie to him. I love him too, so he’s banned as a topic. The people I love cannot be described without confusion, hesitation, and tears. Trent says I always get what I want and he’s right this time.
Lennox says I have no fucking morals and no fucking boundaries. She’s included the “fucking” for emphasis. She fears I will write about her now, because I don’t love her and I hold no allegiances. But, I don’t write about women much. I find girl-on-girl hostility to be no fun at all. I tell her she doesn’t have to worry about a long-form commentary and I don’t dispute the “fucking” allegations. I have morals and boundaries, they are reserved for the people I love, the same way I have reserved my words for the ones I do not. Everybody gets something.
Finn prays he meets a woman just like me. He still believes in God and love, and he doesn’t believe in lying. I feel bad that he can’t get away with anything, he still believes in love, and he still believes in God. Hopefully, one day, he will meet her. She won’t write about the people she loves, she will lie to save herself, she will always get what she wants, she will have no identity of her own, he will have never met anyone like her, with no fucking morals and no fucking boundaries; a woman just like me.