Three Words:
No Take Backs
JUNE 6, 2023I was 15. He was 18.
No saying “No.” Not to him.
How could he? Too much power. Confidence and conviction. The perfect opportunity. A weekend away.
How could I? Too many drinks. Too much naivety. Some confusion. Some collusion.
Lock the door. Close the blinds. Pretend. “You like that?” “You want more?” His convictions. So unconvincing. Believable to him. Worth it. To hurt me. Make a victim. Of his power. Of his confidence. Of his certainty.
His beautiful house. Above the beach. Just like mine. His skylights. My reflection. His boat. My bikini. His little sunglasses. My wide eyes. How cinematic.
Driving me home. Teaching me stick. Hand over mine. Like I’m his. Shifting with encouragement. After dismissing stagnation.
Why did I? Go. Stay. Swallow the words. Allow it. Accept it. “Sure.” Because tears lacked. Because I was 15. Too many drinks. Too much naivety. Not enough “No.” Not enough “proof.” No proof actually. None at all. We were flirting. We were drinking. A weekend away. Forget age. Surely it’s obvious. Who needs proof? Go home unchanged. Besides slight alterations. Now a perpetrator. Now a victim.
Lucky number four. I’m a victim. I’m a slut. They’re not interchangeable. Not anymore. You get one. No take backs. Such a privilege. To avoid. To ignore. To choose one. “Slut.” Because it’s easier. Easier than. Saying “No.” Saying “Yes.” Watching time drain. Waiting for another. Next time…
His girlfriend sings. His praises. And her songs. She knows. Everything and nothing. I like them. I listen. I sway. I cry. I laugh. I sing along. Because it’s easier. Than saying “Yes.” Than saying “No.” Easier than begging. “He raped me.” Listen to her. Only 15,000 times. Find beauty. In shared pain. Our pain. She writes songs. And I listen. Because it’s easier. Easier than acceptance. Thinking about July. Losing lyrics. Losing touch. Losing her boyfriend. Losing my mind.
Just listen.
I’ll call him. Press record. Let him talk. He knows. Too many drinks. Not enough “proof.” Tears lacked. Avoiding and ignoring. Picking one. Going home unchanged. Watching time drain. Waiting. I’ll call him. “Been a while.” He says. She says. We all agree.
Let him talk.
He knows. I’ll do nothing. Besides listen. No court. No more calls. No vengeful ploy. Wish him well. Wish him dead. That’s easy enough. Be bigger. 18 like him. Powerful. Confident. Carry more conviction. Forget perfect opportunity. Try acceptance.