Boys Like (Cake)

JANUARY 20, 2023

        I broke up with my boyfriend twenty-five days ago. Things were too hard, too serious, and too difficult to fix. I kept telling him I wanted experiences and he kept telling me, “We experience things!” with frustration in his voice. Maybe he knew what “experiences” meant before I did. I wanted to party. Partying is thoughtless freedom. I needed to have fewer thoughts. Partying takes you places. Places with new men, who still find you interesting. Men who are the experiences your boyfriend fears.

        I was wearing my best leather pants the first time I piqued Kai’s interest. He asked our mutual friend who I was and was told, “That’s Bella... She’s been to your house, we came here with her?” I’m sure he didn’t remember when I went to his house, after our friend’s funeral. I’m sure it was a forgotten moment owed to grief, too many houses, and too many blonde women coming and going.

        He grabbed me lightly and said, “Hey, I want to talk to you.” His words fought music bouncing between teal walls and windows that lead to nowhere. Kai speaks with seriousness, and his sentences sound important, but not meaningful. The first thing he asks is if I have a boyfriend and up until recently, I did. He has a girlfriend, I know that, and even if I didn’t, I would never ask. His question is only necessary because my answer is permission.

        Permission is hopeful. Boys like Kai believe every minute is precious, especially when it comes to women. If he tells you that he likes you, he will follow it up with, “but I don’t want to waste my time.” Boys like Kai are valuable but worthless. We sit outside together in big leather dining chairs and he asks what he can do to make me happy. There is an air of desperation and urgency in his voice. Boys like Kai are straightforward, they take initiative, they ask what they can do to make you happy. It’s as if it is the second step in a two-step plan. I ask him if he will get me a slice of cake from a neighboring restaurant and he says “No.” Cake is a task for boyfriends.

        Boys like Kai enjoy playing pretend. They make broken promises, small ones, ones that only last for a night. Boys like Kai are perfect boys to meet after you break up with your boyfriend. They buy you drinks, they give you attention, they play pretend, and when they show up with a different girl the next night, it doesn’t matter. You know you can find a new Kai. You play pretend too. You allow the kind of behavior you would despise from a boyfriend; reminding them that you don’t care either.

        Boys like Kai test you. They ask questions with hidden banter, questions that help them decide how much of their time you’re worth. They never ask you about your hopes and your dreams, they ask you what your favorite position is and why. They ask if they can kiss you, and after they kiss you, they ask if you want to go home with them. They wrap their desires up in words that they think sound sweet, but to you, they sound like threats.

        Boys like Kai want to touch you, but they have no interest in holding you. And they shouldn’t know that you want to be held. They don’t like it when you ask too many questions. You should be confident and more trusting. They love secrets, but they don’t like sad secrets, they like sexy secrets. Boys like Kai think anxiety is ugly. They want to have fun. They don’t like being told what to do. They don’t like crazy girls. And they don’t like it when you treat them like they’re all the same. The women are all the same and the boys like Kai are different.

        I wonder why boys like Kai like me and why they never ask if I like them back. Maybe they don’t want to know or maybe they don’t care. Maybe it is because cool girls don’t profess their love. When they do things get too hard, too serious, and too difficult to fix. I want them to ask me, so I can tell them, “No.” I want to tell them “No” so I can remain cool and interesting and fun, with fewer thoughts and more experiences.